Forty years ago a handful of renegade social workers in the small conservative rural town of Roseburg, Oregon, started meeting with their welfare mom clients in the local bars for gripe sessions about the welfare system. Together they developed a radical new concept they called “People Planned Delivery” and a program for women called the Confidence Clinic.
Their history includes brilliant successes and stunning betrayals. It is a messy story that begins with a lot of loud yelling and name calling and goes on to a proliferation of services, all designed and, to a great degree, operated by the people who were to benefit from them. This book tells their story and provides a clear guide to following their lead in helping women to empower themselves and transform their lives.
“It only takes one women to change the world, but a group of women can change anything.” Maxine Gish, Confidence Clinic graduate
“The Confidence Clinic…is what I call a psychic family – a group committed to mutual help…for women who have been isolated, despairing, and dependent.” Gloria Steinem, Revolution from Within
CREATING CONFIDENCE WILL BE AVAILABLE SOON at Amazon.com and at your local bookstore. Also available through the Focusing Institute Bookstore at www.focusing.org.
VAWillman@gmail.com
www.confidenceclinic.blogspot.com
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Friday, March 13, 2009
Update: Who am I interviewing?
I have now interviewed 89 people in 72 separate interviews. I have perhaps ten more to do. Below is a complete list of those interviewed to date (March 12, 2009).
Lori Agost, Jody Ahlstedt, Sheila (Laughery) Albertson, Lois Allen, Barbara Beatty, Marge (Clark) Bladorn, Linda Brown, Jeanne Burpee, Dr. Jon Burpee, Evelyn Carney, Lisa Carter, Maleta Christian, Kasha Claire, Diana (Zertuche) Cole, Jeri Coon, Kara Cooper, Cindi Corrie, Arlene Dugan, Pat Dugan, Doug Eckstein, Margaret (Walker) Ellison, Larry Flanagan, Patricia Murray Frady, Tonya Fitzgerald, Brenda Erwin, Bonnie Ford, Kathy Frazer, Lynn Frost, Marilyn Geyer, Allison Green, Maxine Gish, Jo-Elyn Hand, Katie Hankins, Brenda Hastings, Victoria Hawks, Karen Horne, Lois Inmann, Neal Itzkowitz, Myrna Judd, Carolyn Kemp, Peggy Kennerly, Chere Kifer, Judy Lasswell, Larry Lissman, Jerry Lopez, Cheryl Malone, Betti Manfre, Pauline Martel, Maria Martinez, Charity McSperitt, Barbara Miles, Betty Moore, Michele Moore, David Morrison, Toni Morton, Martha Mosely, Mary (Bowden) Murphy, Sylvia Nichols, Diana Pace, Lenore Paulsen, Beverly Paulson, Jacie Pratt, Sonya Pullen, Eva Reynolds, Shantel Rice, Joy Rich, Barbara Richardson, Doug Robertson, Pat Robertson, Victoria Rodriguez, Sharon Sawicki, Patty Schaedler, Judge Joan Seitz, Cindi Shepard, Marcy Shields, Diana Smith, Kim Smith, David Sonnie, Barbara Spotswood, Bill Vian, Judy Vian, Tami Steele, MaryWaggoner, Shannon Waggoner, Al Walker, Julie Ware, Valerie Weston, Anna Willman, and Diana Wood.
Lori Agost, Jody Ahlstedt, Sheila (Laughery) Albertson, Lois Allen, Barbara Beatty, Marge (Clark) Bladorn, Linda Brown, Jeanne Burpee, Dr. Jon Burpee, Evelyn Carney, Lisa Carter, Maleta Christian, Kasha Claire, Diana (Zertuche) Cole, Jeri Coon, Kara Cooper, Cindi Corrie, Arlene Dugan, Pat Dugan, Doug Eckstein, Margaret (Walker) Ellison, Larry Flanagan, Patricia Murray Frady, Tonya Fitzgerald, Brenda Erwin, Bonnie Ford, Kathy Frazer, Lynn Frost, Marilyn Geyer, Allison Green, Maxine Gish, Jo-Elyn Hand, Katie Hankins, Brenda Hastings, Victoria Hawks, Karen Horne, Lois Inmann, Neal Itzkowitz, Myrna Judd, Carolyn Kemp, Peggy Kennerly, Chere Kifer, Judy Lasswell, Larry Lissman, Jerry Lopez, Cheryl Malone, Betti Manfre, Pauline Martel, Maria Martinez, Charity McSperitt, Barbara Miles, Betty Moore, Michele Moore, David Morrison, Toni Morton, Martha Mosely, Mary (Bowden) Murphy, Sylvia Nichols, Diana Pace, Lenore Paulsen, Beverly Paulson, Jacie Pratt, Sonya Pullen, Eva Reynolds, Shantel Rice, Joy Rich, Barbara Richardson, Doug Robertson, Pat Robertson, Victoria Rodriguez, Sharon Sawicki, Patty Schaedler, Judge Joan Seitz, Cindi Shepard, Marcy Shields, Diana Smith, Kim Smith, David Sonnie, Barbara Spotswood, Bill Vian, Judy Vian, Tami Steele, MaryWaggoner, Shannon Waggoner, Al Walker, Julie Ware, Valerie Weston, Anna Willman, and Diana Wood.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Focusing at the Confidence Clinic
One of the things that I believe helped me get my job at the Confidence Clinic eighteen years ago was the fact that I was a certified Focusing Trainer. Not that any of the hiring team really knew what that meant, but rather because it sounded like a “Clinic” kind of thing. (For those of you readers who do not know what “focusing” is, it is a way of tapping into your body’s wisdom – or in the language of our women, it is a way of reminding yourself to “trust your gut” sense of a situation. If this sort of thing interests you, you can learn a great deal more about it than this very rough definition by checking it out at www.focusing.org.)
As a Program Coordinator and then later as the Director of the Program, I introduced focusing in the classroom as part of the “life skills” curriculum and then offered to guide those interested through the process on an individual basis. Some women liked it very much and took advantage of the individual sessions. One woman told me, ”All my life I have been told to ‘take care of myself’. Now for the first time, I know how to do that!” Others told me that they found it relaxing and healing. One woman who had had trouble sleeping for years, used the early steps of focusing (called “clearing a space”) to put herself to sleep. Some of the women used it regularly to process their issues deeply. Some used it, but only occasionally, for example when they had a decision to make and were unsure what path was a good fit for them, or in a crisis when they were flooded with emotions and needed the support of a focusing session with me to help them find a way forward. Some of them took parts of focusing only, such as finding a “safe place” inside to help them when their world got too overwhelming or scary.
A few women found focusing itself scary. Occasionally I met a woman who was extremely uncomfortable with the whole concept of looking inward (usually this was because her pastor had told her she risked the possibility of encountering evil spirits there). More often, the problem was with doing anything that had to do with body sensations, which was often the case for those who had been subjected to physical and sexual abuse as children.
Focusing is a gentle practice which can only happen voluntarily, so while I encouraged the women to listen and support each other in all of our classroom activities, no one was required to participate in the focusing process itself. In fact any attempt to do that would have been a dismal failure as well as a major violation of the focusing ethic.
Sometimes, five or more years after graduating from the Clinic, a formerly reluctant woman might call me and say, “You know that focusing thing you used to do? I think I might be ready to try it now.” And I would invite her to come and have a focusing session or two with me.
In any case, in one way or another, focusing became an integral part of the Clinic experience for some women and was at least a part of the general atmosphere for others.
What I have gradually discovered doing this oral history, is that the whole process of focusing can be seen as a kind of metaphor for the whole of what takes place at the Confidence Clinic.
Focusing is a deep listening to yourself - a kind of “paying attention” to what your body wants to tell you, by sitting quietly with whatever you encounter there with a nonjudgmental, compassionate attention, and letting whatever needs to unfold do so. At the Confidence Clinic, we pay this kind of attention to the women and the women quickly learn to pay attention to each other (and to the staff) with this same kind of compassion and acceptance. We all encounter each other with what in the focusing world is called “the focusing attitude”.
Time and again as I have interviewed participants and staff, I have heard people speak of the experience of being allowed to be whoever and whatever they are without judgment or pressure to become something they are not. I have heard the words “compassion” and “listening” and “nonjudgmental” and “caring” to describe the staff and the whole Clinic process. Paradoxically, personal change and growth occurred precisely because no one pressured them to change. What we did was listen and care.
And because they were in a place where listening was the main mode of operation, the women listened to each other and cared. The rigidly religious women genuinely loved and cared for and accepted the nonbelievers just as they were. The “class clowns” gave and received quiet compassion to and from the sad or serious women. The “high talkers” listened to the introverts. The introverts spoke out in defense of the “high talkers”. They accepted each other, loved each other, and cheered each other on, to be and to become whatever they wanted to become, even when that was not at all what they might choose for themselves.
I can’t take credit for creating this focusing world, because that is what I found when I arrived. I do think my background in focusing is why Clinic always has felt like such a good fit for me. Even those who were not comfortable with the specific inward looking process of focusing, were in fact creating focusing kinds of relationships with one another. And if they were hesitant to listen to themselves deeply, they found themselves surrounded by others willing to listen to them wholeheartedly.
There is no way that that cannot be wonderfully healing.
As a Program Coordinator and then later as the Director of the Program, I introduced focusing in the classroom as part of the “life skills” curriculum and then offered to guide those interested through the process on an individual basis. Some women liked it very much and took advantage of the individual sessions. One woman told me, ”All my life I have been told to ‘take care of myself’. Now for the first time, I know how to do that!” Others told me that they found it relaxing and healing. One woman who had had trouble sleeping for years, used the early steps of focusing (called “clearing a space”) to put herself to sleep. Some of the women used it regularly to process their issues deeply. Some used it, but only occasionally, for example when they had a decision to make and were unsure what path was a good fit for them, or in a crisis when they were flooded with emotions and needed the support of a focusing session with me to help them find a way forward. Some of them took parts of focusing only, such as finding a “safe place” inside to help them when their world got too overwhelming or scary.
A few women found focusing itself scary. Occasionally I met a woman who was extremely uncomfortable with the whole concept of looking inward (usually this was because her pastor had told her she risked the possibility of encountering evil spirits there). More often, the problem was with doing anything that had to do with body sensations, which was often the case for those who had been subjected to physical and sexual abuse as children.
Focusing is a gentle practice which can only happen voluntarily, so while I encouraged the women to listen and support each other in all of our classroom activities, no one was required to participate in the focusing process itself. In fact any attempt to do that would have been a dismal failure as well as a major violation of the focusing ethic.
Sometimes, five or more years after graduating from the Clinic, a formerly reluctant woman might call me and say, “You know that focusing thing you used to do? I think I might be ready to try it now.” And I would invite her to come and have a focusing session or two with me.
In any case, in one way or another, focusing became an integral part of the Clinic experience for some women and was at least a part of the general atmosphere for others.
What I have gradually discovered doing this oral history, is that the whole process of focusing can be seen as a kind of metaphor for the whole of what takes place at the Confidence Clinic.
Focusing is a deep listening to yourself - a kind of “paying attention” to what your body wants to tell you, by sitting quietly with whatever you encounter there with a nonjudgmental, compassionate attention, and letting whatever needs to unfold do so. At the Confidence Clinic, we pay this kind of attention to the women and the women quickly learn to pay attention to each other (and to the staff) with this same kind of compassion and acceptance. We all encounter each other with what in the focusing world is called “the focusing attitude”.
Time and again as I have interviewed participants and staff, I have heard people speak of the experience of being allowed to be whoever and whatever they are without judgment or pressure to become something they are not. I have heard the words “compassion” and “listening” and “nonjudgmental” and “caring” to describe the staff and the whole Clinic process. Paradoxically, personal change and growth occurred precisely because no one pressured them to change. What we did was listen and care.
And because they were in a place where listening was the main mode of operation, the women listened to each other and cared. The rigidly religious women genuinely loved and cared for and accepted the nonbelievers just as they were. The “class clowns” gave and received quiet compassion to and from the sad or serious women. The “high talkers” listened to the introverts. The introverts spoke out in defense of the “high talkers”. They accepted each other, loved each other, and cheered each other on, to be and to become whatever they wanted to become, even when that was not at all what they might choose for themselves.
I can’t take credit for creating this focusing world, because that is what I found when I arrived. I do think my background in focusing is why Clinic always has felt like such a good fit for me. Even those who were not comfortable with the specific inward looking process of focusing, were in fact creating focusing kinds of relationships with one another. And if they were hesitant to listen to themselves deeply, they found themselves surrounded by others willing to listen to them wholeheartedly.
There is no way that that cannot be wonderfully healing.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
How Does Clinic Do It? Part Two
Another theme that came up repeatedly when participants were asked about the essence of the program, was the fact that at least some of the staff were "real" people, just like them, and that Clinic was a place to meet and learn from people who had life stories similar to their own.
Here are some of the responses:
Kara Cooper (past participant, Americorps Advocate):
You have to have somebody who’s been there. And from a couple of different places, I think it’s important. Because I don’t even want to look across the table, and say, if I’m having parenting issues, and say “Well um, do you have kids?” and for them to look at me and say “No” - but be telling me what to do with my child. Or umm lets see, oh domestic violence. That one’s huge. If you’ve never ever had a domestic violence situation, how can you look at someone and tell them, “I know how you feel. I’m sorry that happened.” And um, it’s important to have real people. Not just some college silver spoon type person going, you know, “This is the way it’s going to be because I read it in a book”.
Mary Murphy (past participant, service advocate, program aide and Program Director):
You were there with people that had dealt this, no matter how wonderful people are that have never experienced something, even some of the folks that helped in the beginning. It’s having people there that actually went through what you’ve been through. And it’s just uh saves your life.
Tonya Fitzgerald (Program Coordinator):
But my selling point is, it’s the best place really to learn about yourself and to get support form other people and find people like you. People that are gong to have some of the same experiences you are. Some wisdom to that, and what they’ve done differently. And then that you’ll find somebody, you can always find somebody there, where you’ve been in that position and you can offer some feedback or advice to them. Very difficult, ‘cause it’s an experience that happens, an experience that’s kind of hard to describe. Yeah.
Kara Cooper (Past Participant, AmeriCorps Advocate):
You have to have somebody who’s been there. And from a couple of different places, I think it’s important. Because I don’t even want to look across the table, and say, if I’m having parenting issues, and say “Well um, do you have kids?” and for them to look at me and say “No” - but be telling me what to do with my child. Or umm lets see, oh domestic violence. That one’s huge. If you’ve never ever had a domestic violence situation, how can you look at someone and tell them, “I know how you feel. I’m sorry that happened.” And um, it’s important to have real people. Not just some college silver spoon type person going, you know, “This is the way it’s going to be because I read it in a book”.
Katie Hankins with Charity McSperitt (Program Coordinators):
Uh both the times I was in a relationship when I was working there, and, just sort of working out the difficulties in my own personal life and then going and trying to present, “This is how you make healthy choices, and blah, blah, blah.” You know, and just being a total wreck in my own personal life for whatever reason. And, uh, that was really hard. I didn’t have enough emotional energy for my relationship, and I didn’t have enough emotional energy for my job. But I do appreciate the fact that I could come to work and be a total wreck, you know. And, role model that for the women.
[laughter]
CM: “Here’s Katie. Here’s Katie as a wreck.”
KH: And I still come to work everyday and still do what needs to be done. Yeah, but, you know, I appreciate that. And, I can’t imagine any other place that, that uh going through just those really intense times in my life, uh would have been allowed. But, I also think, too, you know, and understood and supported, but I also think, too, that if I were at a different job, that I wouldn’t be bringing those things in, is because we do, I mean, those are the things that we were talking about. And, it’s really hard to separate that out.
AW: And, it’s actually not even necessary to sort it out, or to separate it out, because the women were empowered by seeing you struggle with your stuff. … “Katie’s having trouble, too, I’m not so stupid after all.” You know, that, you know, the very first director of Confidence Clinic, I was told by somebody, came to, to uh clinic with bruises from her relationship, and wouldn’t leave him!
KH: So, I think, there’s that sort of integrity that was always really just kind of comforting and safe and, and you know, I couldn’t go. Like, when I was with Jenny, I couldn’t…it was really hard for me to leave that at the door. You know what I mean, especially when we were talking about those issues in the classroom. You know what I mean, and I felt it was much better to serve for them, and for me, to be honest about the relationship that I was in at the time. And, look, “Oh, you know somebody that’s in a relationship with a woman. And, I’m not all, you know, like coming on to you.” You know what I mean.
It was an opportunity for them, for women to learn, an opportunity for me to be okay about myself, and, to really challenge my own internal homophobia, and all of that. So, I just really appreciate that kind of integrity that that place has, and I think that it’s very challenging to divide your personal life out from that, because you have to be who you are and be honest about that. At least, I felt that way.
AW: Well, they, they, the women are really shrewd. And when you’re faking it, they know it. If you’re not, if you’re not genuine with them, they don’t buy it. …So, so, Katie, what I’ve always thought you did so wonderfully, was you fell apart beautifully.
KH: Thank you.
CM: You do that well.
KH: Thanks, Charity.
CM: You’re welcome, Katie.
AW: You would fall apart and be totally honest, and totally there, and, and they could see that it was possible for somebody to be in a wreck, and be falling apart, and still function. And that, and that, you didn’t give up. You role modeled not giving up. You know, you were a mess, but you kept struggling to find a way to make it right. You know, if one thing didn’t work, you’d try something else. And, they saw you doing it.
KH: Yeah.
AW: Without you even, sometimes you’d share what was going on, sometimes you wouldn’t, but they could see that you were having a hard time and that you were not giving up. And, they all have hard times and none of them gave up, because that’s why they’re at the clinic. And, so they could see, “Oh, she’s like us. And, look at what she’s doing. I could do that too.”
Marcy Shields (Past participant, Americorps Advocate and Volunteer):
And the amazing people, the amazing people that have similar stories. So I think we discovered we’re not alone. Uh, we’ve all had, we all have a story. We all have had issues, and being able to work on them together. And the amazing staff. I mean, you can teach people the skills that we teach them here, but the staff have to be able to help you believe it. Anybody can read a textbook. Anybody can read a paper. But that’s sort of this level. You have to have somebody here to call you on your stuff, say, “Hey, did you think about it this way?” Or, “How’s that working for you?” You know, to make you be real. Uh, yeah.
AW: So what was it like for you, Marcy, to do this transition? I mean, you had this experience at the Confidence Clinic as a participant. You had a group you were part of. You had friends in that group. You had that circle, that, that group of amazing women like yourself who were doing amazing things. And then you stayed on. And it was a different group, with different people. And you, instead of being part of the circle, were sort of on the edge of the circle as a staff person.
MS: I’m still part of the circle.
AW: But part of it, yes, definitely part of it, but part of it with a different uh, a different, in a different way. Uh, at first, on the phones out front, and, and just connecting with people sort of as they pass through, and, occasionally being in on a go round. And then being involved more in teaching them, and then as an advocate, being in the classroom a lot, and, and teaching some stuff, self-advocacy, and things like that. Didn’t you teach a class on self-advocacy?
MS: I did. I did. I did.
AW: And so you became more integrated in, in as a teacher. But each stage it was a whole readjustment to how you related to the group, or what your, what your role in the group was.
MS: You’ve said this. You’ve said this to me before. You’ve asked me about my transition part of it. You said I transition easily. And uh I don’t know really what you mean.
Uh, as each new opportunity, or each new avenue was open to me, I just stepped in, uh with an open heart, and an open mind, and with the idea that I was never going to leave here. I just did whatever it was that I now was going to do. The key piece for me, has always to remain, has always been to remain humble, to remember how I felt that first day, uh and how these women in this session, in that session, in the next session - how they must feel. Uh, to never use, never let there be a power difference. I’m never up here and they’re down here. We’re always right here. [gestures with hands] Uh, so, I think keeping those pieces in mind, I just continue to move forward, and never think of myself as better, or never think that there’s nothing more to learn... And that’s really, but that’s truly how I feel. I am not the teacher. We are all the teachers, the participants, including the staff, because I learned as much from them as I hope that they learned from me. And that’s my goal. So I guess that’s how I transitioned through it.
Here are some of the responses:
Kara Cooper (past participant, Americorps Advocate):
You have to have somebody who’s been there. And from a couple of different places, I think it’s important. Because I don’t even want to look across the table, and say, if I’m having parenting issues, and say “Well um, do you have kids?” and for them to look at me and say “No” - but be telling me what to do with my child. Or umm lets see, oh domestic violence. That one’s huge. If you’ve never ever had a domestic violence situation, how can you look at someone and tell them, “I know how you feel. I’m sorry that happened.” And um, it’s important to have real people. Not just some college silver spoon type person going, you know, “This is the way it’s going to be because I read it in a book”.
Mary Murphy (past participant, service advocate, program aide and Program Director):
You were there with people that had dealt this, no matter how wonderful people are that have never experienced something, even some of the folks that helped in the beginning. It’s having people there that actually went through what you’ve been through. And it’s just uh saves your life.
Tonya Fitzgerald (Program Coordinator):
But my selling point is, it’s the best place really to learn about yourself and to get support form other people and find people like you. People that are gong to have some of the same experiences you are. Some wisdom to that, and what they’ve done differently. And then that you’ll find somebody, you can always find somebody there, where you’ve been in that position and you can offer some feedback or advice to them. Very difficult, ‘cause it’s an experience that happens, an experience that’s kind of hard to describe. Yeah.
Kara Cooper (Past Participant, AmeriCorps Advocate):
You have to have somebody who’s been there. And from a couple of different places, I think it’s important. Because I don’t even want to look across the table, and say, if I’m having parenting issues, and say “Well um, do you have kids?” and for them to look at me and say “No” - but be telling me what to do with my child. Or umm lets see, oh domestic violence. That one’s huge. If you’ve never ever had a domestic violence situation, how can you look at someone and tell them, “I know how you feel. I’m sorry that happened.” And um, it’s important to have real people. Not just some college silver spoon type person going, you know, “This is the way it’s going to be because I read it in a book”.
Katie Hankins with Charity McSperitt (Program Coordinators):
Uh both the times I was in a relationship when I was working there, and, just sort of working out the difficulties in my own personal life and then going and trying to present, “This is how you make healthy choices, and blah, blah, blah.” You know, and just being a total wreck in my own personal life for whatever reason. And, uh, that was really hard. I didn’t have enough emotional energy for my relationship, and I didn’t have enough emotional energy for my job. But I do appreciate the fact that I could come to work and be a total wreck, you know. And, role model that for the women.
[laughter]
CM: “Here’s Katie. Here’s Katie as a wreck.”
KH: And I still come to work everyday and still do what needs to be done. Yeah, but, you know, I appreciate that. And, I can’t imagine any other place that, that uh going through just those really intense times in my life, uh would have been allowed. But, I also think, too, you know, and understood and supported, but I also think, too, that if I were at a different job, that I wouldn’t be bringing those things in, is because we do, I mean, those are the things that we were talking about. And, it’s really hard to separate that out.
AW: And, it’s actually not even necessary to sort it out, or to separate it out, because the women were empowered by seeing you struggle with your stuff. … “Katie’s having trouble, too, I’m not so stupid after all.” You know, that, you know, the very first director of Confidence Clinic, I was told by somebody, came to, to uh clinic with bruises from her relationship, and wouldn’t leave him!
KH: So, I think, there’s that sort of integrity that was always really just kind of comforting and safe and, and you know, I couldn’t go. Like, when I was with Jenny, I couldn’t…it was really hard for me to leave that at the door. You know what I mean, especially when we were talking about those issues in the classroom. You know what I mean, and I felt it was much better to serve for them, and for me, to be honest about the relationship that I was in at the time. And, look, “Oh, you know somebody that’s in a relationship with a woman. And, I’m not all, you know, like coming on to you.” You know what I mean.
It was an opportunity for them, for women to learn, an opportunity for me to be okay about myself, and, to really challenge my own internal homophobia, and all of that. So, I just really appreciate that kind of integrity that that place has, and I think that it’s very challenging to divide your personal life out from that, because you have to be who you are and be honest about that. At least, I felt that way.
AW: Well, they, they, the women are really shrewd. And when you’re faking it, they know it. If you’re not, if you’re not genuine with them, they don’t buy it. …So, so, Katie, what I’ve always thought you did so wonderfully, was you fell apart beautifully.
KH: Thank you.
CM: You do that well.
KH: Thanks, Charity.
CM: You’re welcome, Katie.
AW: You would fall apart and be totally honest, and totally there, and, and they could see that it was possible for somebody to be in a wreck, and be falling apart, and still function. And that, and that, you didn’t give up. You role modeled not giving up. You know, you were a mess, but you kept struggling to find a way to make it right. You know, if one thing didn’t work, you’d try something else. And, they saw you doing it.
KH: Yeah.
AW: Without you even, sometimes you’d share what was going on, sometimes you wouldn’t, but they could see that you were having a hard time and that you were not giving up. And, they all have hard times and none of them gave up, because that’s why they’re at the clinic. And, so they could see, “Oh, she’s like us. And, look at what she’s doing. I could do that too.”
Marcy Shields (Past participant, Americorps Advocate and Volunteer):
And the amazing people, the amazing people that have similar stories. So I think we discovered we’re not alone. Uh, we’ve all had, we all have a story. We all have had issues, and being able to work on them together. And the amazing staff. I mean, you can teach people the skills that we teach them here, but the staff have to be able to help you believe it. Anybody can read a textbook. Anybody can read a paper. But that’s sort of this level. You have to have somebody here to call you on your stuff, say, “Hey, did you think about it this way?” Or, “How’s that working for you?” You know, to make you be real. Uh, yeah.
AW: So what was it like for you, Marcy, to do this transition? I mean, you had this experience at the Confidence Clinic as a participant. You had a group you were part of. You had friends in that group. You had that circle, that, that group of amazing women like yourself who were doing amazing things. And then you stayed on. And it was a different group, with different people. And you, instead of being part of the circle, were sort of on the edge of the circle as a staff person.
MS: I’m still part of the circle.
AW: But part of it, yes, definitely part of it, but part of it with a different uh, a different, in a different way. Uh, at first, on the phones out front, and, and just connecting with people sort of as they pass through, and, occasionally being in on a go round. And then being involved more in teaching them, and then as an advocate, being in the classroom a lot, and, and teaching some stuff, self-advocacy, and things like that. Didn’t you teach a class on self-advocacy?
MS: I did. I did. I did.
AW: And so you became more integrated in, in as a teacher. But each stage it was a whole readjustment to how you related to the group, or what your, what your role in the group was.
MS: You’ve said this. You’ve said this to me before. You’ve asked me about my transition part of it. You said I transition easily. And uh I don’t know really what you mean.
Uh, as each new opportunity, or each new avenue was open to me, I just stepped in, uh with an open heart, and an open mind, and with the idea that I was never going to leave here. I just did whatever it was that I now was going to do. The key piece for me, has always to remain, has always been to remain humble, to remember how I felt that first day, uh and how these women in this session, in that session, in the next session - how they must feel. Uh, to never use, never let there be a power difference. I’m never up here and they’re down here. We’re always right here. [gestures with hands] Uh, so, I think keeping those pieces in mind, I just continue to move forward, and never think of myself as better, or never think that there’s nothing more to learn... And that’s really, but that’s truly how I feel. I am not the teacher. We are all the teachers, the participants, including the staff, because I learned as much from them as I hope that they learned from me. And that’s my goal. So I guess that’s how I transitioned through it.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
How Does Clinic Do It? Part One
Another question I asked everyone was: "What is the essence of Confidence Clinic?" I got many interesteing answers and will present them here grouped around themes. You will find most of the themes listed on my laundry list in an earlier blog entry.
Kara Cooper (past participant, Americorps Advocate):
Lack of judgment. ... Nobody judges you when you walk through the door. ...You’re allowed to be yourself, think for yourself, and do for yourself and nobody here is going to work harder for you than you do, so you get out of it what you put into it. ...A lot of the social servants - service agencies, they umm, are all lip service, to me, and that’s not okay here. We really, really work hard for our women when we see them putting in effort. I mean, they have to do really hard things and I think it’s important to be there for them to encourage them. Umm, you go to most places and you wait in line, then you’re a number, and then you’re lucky if you get a call back. And here you get some actual personal connection and reliable feedback. And you can just come here and vent if you want to, and nobody is going to judge you for that. It makes it...a really genuine place to come, and it’s very different…the whole thing’s just different.
Charity McSperitt (Program Coordinator):
I think it has to do with the space. You know, it’s protecting the space. Giving women the opportunity to come in and explore and, you know, kind of figure out who they are and, you know, process where they’ve been and where they want to go and how are they going to get there. Without any judgment.
You know, there’s no, “Oh, that’s the wrong choice,” which they hear, many times, in other social service agencies [where] it’s like, “Okay, what you need to do is go to drug and alcohol counseling, and go to mental health, and you need to do dah, dah, dah, dah, dah.”
They didn’t hear that at Confidence Clinic.
Martha Mosely (past participant):
The thing that I really appreciated was their openness, their honesty, and their heart. You knew they really cared. And they didn’t judge you. They didn’t criticize you, or let you down for not being at a certain level. They just accepted you where you were at and worked with you...
Marilyn Geyer (past Participant):
Mm hmm…umm the number one thing I think is… the safety. When people go there, they feel safe. They feel safe that they can, because of the whole getting to know and bonding experience, they feel safe that what they say in there they can say out loud and its…nobody’s going to go “aay” [acts out a gasp] or anything like that. To me it was that. I think you couldn’t have a Confidence Clinic without making these people feel safe and secure and…
AW: That they won’t be judged.
MG: That they won’t be judged, mm hmm [nods]. It’s okay to be you and its okay to talk about it.
AW: Wow, what a concept, huh! [laughs]
…
MG: And umm never ever once have I ever thought…made a judgment about anybody there because when you’re in that kind of setting you realize why people are in the situation that they are, you know family background, why their head is messed up like it is and um… It’s just uh…it took some of us a long time to open up but when we did it was okay.
Jacie Pratt (volunteer driver’s trainer during the first sessions of the Confidence Clinic):
I’m just thinking that to be specific, one of the lessons of that era was there are no “shoulds.”
AW: Uh-huh.
JP: And so we eliminated that word ‘should”. Not only from our lives but the way we treated our children. It isn’t “You should be this way.” It’s “There’s a reason to be this way, and you need to learn to make the choice”.
AW: There’s a common Confidence Clinic saying is “Don’t ‘should’ on me!”
Allison Green (past participant):
I don’t think its one thing. I think it’s a, it’s a conglomeration of a lot of things. Obviously, you have to have an awesome director, you know. I mean somebody that runs it, yourself, who understands women and women’s issues. Um, non-judgmental, and, you know, Anna, I have to say, over the years, you’re probably one of the most non-judgmental people I know. Uh, that helps.
But, uh, it’s the people, the people that run the place and understand women and their issues and are non-judgmental. The essence is, is that everybody, anybody can come, female, any female can come, no matter from what walk of life. It doesn’t matter, this is another one of my sayings, “It doesn’t matter if you’re from park bench or park avenue.” Everybody gets treated the same, with the same amount of respect and are not judged for who, and what, and how they are. And, that’s the basis for what makes it work.
And...like I said it doesn’t matter who, what, how you are, you’re not judged for that. And you know, those some things you need to change, and [the staff] see they need to change, and were nudging them over to try to change, and giving them the skills to make that change. Does it always work? No. Some people don’t change. And you’re not judgmental about that either. It’s how it goes, you know. And if I could take one thing, that would, you know, that’s what I’ve learned. I do have hard lines and am I judgmental inside? Sometimes. But you have to just, on the outside, you have to just not be, and treat everybody un-biased. And I think that’s the essence of what makes it work.
Today I am presenting some of the answers around the importance of a nonjudgmental attitude.
Kara Cooper (past participant, Americorps Advocate):
Lack of judgment. ... Nobody judges you when you walk through the door. ...You’re allowed to be yourself, think for yourself, and do for yourself and nobody here is going to work harder for you than you do, so you get out of it what you put into it. ...A lot of the social servants - service agencies, they umm, are all lip service, to me, and that’s not okay here. We really, really work hard for our women when we see them putting in effort. I mean, they have to do really hard things and I think it’s important to be there for them to encourage them. Umm, you go to most places and you wait in line, then you’re a number, and then you’re lucky if you get a call back. And here you get some actual personal connection and reliable feedback. And you can just come here and vent if you want to, and nobody is going to judge you for that. It makes it...a really genuine place to come, and it’s very different…the whole thing’s just different.
Charity McSperitt (Program Coordinator):
I think it has to do with the space. You know, it’s protecting the space. Giving women the opportunity to come in and explore and, you know, kind of figure out who they are and, you know, process where they’ve been and where they want to go and how are they going to get there. Without any judgment.
You know, there’s no, “Oh, that’s the wrong choice,” which they hear, many times, in other social service agencies [where] it’s like, “Okay, what you need to do is go to drug and alcohol counseling, and go to mental health, and you need to do dah, dah, dah, dah, dah.”
They didn’t hear that at Confidence Clinic.
Martha Mosely (past participant):
The thing that I really appreciated was their openness, their honesty, and their heart. You knew they really cared. And they didn’t judge you. They didn’t criticize you, or let you down for not being at a certain level. They just accepted you where you were at and worked with you...
Marilyn Geyer (past Participant):
Mm hmm…umm the number one thing I think is… the safety. When people go there, they feel safe. They feel safe that they can, because of the whole getting to know and bonding experience, they feel safe that what they say in there they can say out loud and its…nobody’s going to go “aay” [acts out a gasp] or anything like that. To me it was that. I think you couldn’t have a Confidence Clinic without making these people feel safe and secure and…
AW: That they won’t be judged.
MG: That they won’t be judged, mm hmm [nods]. It’s okay to be you and its okay to talk about it.
AW: Wow, what a concept, huh! [laughs]
…
MG: And umm never ever once have I ever thought…made a judgment about anybody there because when you’re in that kind of setting you realize why people are in the situation that they are, you know family background, why their head is messed up like it is and um… It’s just uh…it took some of us a long time to open up but when we did it was okay.
Jacie Pratt (volunteer driver’s trainer during the first sessions of the Confidence Clinic):
I’m just thinking that to be specific, one of the lessons of that era was there are no “shoulds.”
AW: Uh-huh.
JP: And so we eliminated that word ‘should”. Not only from our lives but the way we treated our children. It isn’t “You should be this way.” It’s “There’s a reason to be this way, and you need to learn to make the choice”.
AW: There’s a common Confidence Clinic saying is “Don’t ‘should’ on me!”
Allison Green (past participant):
I don’t think its one thing. I think it’s a, it’s a conglomeration of a lot of things. Obviously, you have to have an awesome director, you know. I mean somebody that runs it, yourself, who understands women and women’s issues. Um, non-judgmental, and, you know, Anna, I have to say, over the years, you’re probably one of the most non-judgmental people I know. Uh, that helps.
But, uh, it’s the people, the people that run the place and understand women and their issues and are non-judgmental. The essence is, is that everybody, anybody can come, female, any female can come, no matter from what walk of life. It doesn’t matter, this is another one of my sayings, “It doesn’t matter if you’re from park bench or park avenue.” Everybody gets treated the same, with the same amount of respect and are not judged for who, and what, and how they are. And, that’s the basis for what makes it work.
And...like I said it doesn’t matter who, what, how you are, you’re not judged for that. And you know, those some things you need to change, and [the staff] see they need to change, and were nudging them over to try to change, and giving them the skills to make that change. Does it always work? No. Some people don’t change. And you’re not judgmental about that either. It’s how it goes, you know. And if I could take one thing, that would, you know, that’s what I’ve learned. I do have hard lines and am I judgmental inside? Sometimes. But you have to just, on the outside, you have to just not be, and treat everybody un-biased. And I think that’s the essence of what makes it work.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
What Does Clinic Do? Part Four
Another response to: "How did your exerience at the Confidenc e Clinic impact your life personally?"
Diana Wood (past participant, current volunteer):
Well, that’s easy to answer now. Going to college. That’s the biggest impact. Showing me that my brain can work, that I can think, and I can function. ‘Cause I was taught that I couldn’t for so long. And without the Confidence Clinic I wouldn’t be going to the college - taking classes that I’m taking right now, and learning and growing, learning about listening skills and taking a special one-on-one with my instructor, uh, through the summer, and interviewing people and listening for understanding.
And I realized when I was doing this current work through the college, that the reason that I’m so intrigued with all this about listening is that due to verbal abuse, for protection and survival, I couldn’t tell you five seconds after he said the horrible things to me what he said. If you offered me a million dollars, I couldn’t tell you a thing he said.
AW: You learned how to block it out for protection.
DW: For years I blocked it out. I was not listening. I was using it to escape. So now I’m retraining myself, and I’ve found this wonderful… life changing skills that I can learn in this listening book. I have it out practically all the time. And so it’s just wonderful to know that I can, can just start listening.
AW: Uh huh. Uh huh. You can let go of an old skill that you needed, because you don’t need it any more.
DW: I don’t need that anymore, and I certainly do need to listen and understand what’s being said.
AW: Uh huh. Uh huh. That’s great.
DW: But none of this would have happened without the Confidence Clinic.
Diana Wood (past participant, current volunteer):
Well, that’s easy to answer now. Going to college. That’s the biggest impact. Showing me that my brain can work, that I can think, and I can function. ‘Cause I was taught that I couldn’t for so long. And without the Confidence Clinic I wouldn’t be going to the college - taking classes that I’m taking right now, and learning and growing, learning about listening skills and taking a special one-on-one with my instructor, uh, through the summer, and interviewing people and listening for understanding.
And I realized when I was doing this current work through the college, that the reason that I’m so intrigued with all this about listening is that due to verbal abuse, for protection and survival, I couldn’t tell you five seconds after he said the horrible things to me what he said. If you offered me a million dollars, I couldn’t tell you a thing he said.
AW: You learned how to block it out for protection.
DW: For years I blocked it out. I was not listening. I was using it to escape. So now I’m retraining myself, and I’ve found this wonderful… life changing skills that I can learn in this listening book. I have it out practically all the time. And so it’s just wonderful to know that I can, can just start listening.
AW: Uh huh. Uh huh. You can let go of an old skill that you needed, because you don’t need it any more.
DW: I don’t need that anymore, and I certainly do need to listen and understand what’s being said.
AW: Uh huh. Uh huh. That’s great.
DW: But none of this would have happened without the Confidence Clinic.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
What does Clinic Do? Part Three
These are some answers from women who were staff members at the Confidence Clinic:
Mary Murphy (past participant, then Advocate, Program Aide, Program Director):
But the clinic saved my life or my soul. It truly did, and it is still doing that today. It is still doing that. And it’s just uh... and get a self-image. I don’t even mean make it better. People that went to the clinic, like myself, didn’t have a self-image, didn’t have any, just zero, despair, despair. And it was just amazing those people, they just uh put their life out there, put everything out there for the women that went through the clinic. …
Well, as I said, I believe it saved my life. If not physically, how do you say it, emotionally, mentally, being alive, not just being this horrible, fearful person. I mean if that man hadn’t come back to my house over and over again [to persuade me to go]. So, there it shows you the people, uh he just wouldn’t give up.
And then if the clinic hadn’t, if the clinic wasn’t what it was, I mean, if it was, if I had gone somewhere where they judged you, or looked at you funny, or nobody had experienced… These people that run this program have been through the things that I had been through. You know, except a lot worse, many of them. Um, what I had been through was nothing compared to some of the others. So, like someone said once, “Well, wasn’t it depressing?” Well, I don’t even know why they said that, or who it was, but I thought, “Heavens no, it wasn’t depressing.” (They’re saying because of all the troubled things that had happened to these people.) Because you were there with your own. You were there with people that had dealt this, no matter how wonderful people are that have never experienced something, even some of the folks that helped in the beginning. It’s having people there that actually went through what you’ve been through. And it’s just uh saves your life.
Charity McSperitt (Program Coordinator):
One of the things that happened for me at the Confidence Clinic was, you know, my own personal history, is uh, you know, there’s, there’s domestic violence and there’s other kinds of traumas. And, uh, came from a pretty chauvinistic family, and I didn’t really have a sense about what it meant to be a woman, you know, what that really is. I had a sense of what it was to be a woman growing up in my family, which wasn’t the kind of woman I necessarily would want to be.
And, uh, so coming into the Confidence Clinic gave me a perception of what it really means to be a woman. And, the power and the dynamics that women can bring into the world, and how to, you know, help perpetuate, strengthen women through your children, and you know, teaching that to your families, and, uh, you know, like my mom.
A lot of the raising and rearing that [my daughter] Catherine got was around principles that I learned at the Confidence Clinic, about how to empower women. Uh, you know, we learned self defense at Confidence Clinic. My daughter was learning it. You know, so she was like walking that walk with me. And, uh, you know, she’s incredible. And, I think that a lot of that had to do with what I learned there about being a woman. I have a great Catherine story, which has nothing to do with the Confidence Clinic per se.
AW: Tell it anyway.
CM: How um, how that strain I passed on to Catherine. And that was, she’s at school, I think she’s in 3rd grade, maybe, and um, she has a group of little girlfriends. And, there’s a boy in there, and he’s being really inappropriate, and he’s like grabbing the girls. And, they’re scared, and they’re not saying anything.
And, Catherine gets the group of kids together, these girls, and marches them down to the principal’s office, and is like, “This is not okay.” You know, “He is doing this.” And, just really helped these girls advocate for themselves.
And, you know, parents got involved, and I mean, there was resolution because she had the courage and the strength to stand up, which was something that I had been teaching her based on what I was learning at the Confidence Clinic about what a woman could do. You know the strength in woman, and the strength of women in numbers, and how a network of women can do anything.
And, uh, you know, I just really think the Confidence Clinic gave me that for her. And you know, more than anything, that’s what I appreciate most about the Confidence Clinic, is that my daughter is strong and can take care of herself. She broke someone’s ribs this last year because he jumped on her back, while she was walking across the parking lot. And, it scared her, so - elbow, elbow to the ribs.
So as she learned those self defense techniques, because she’s been learning them, you know, ”Grab, pull, and twist,” or ”Grab, twist, and pull.” You know, she learned those as I learned them. And as I taught them to the women, you know, I continued to teach them to her. And so I know when she goes away from here, when she goes to college, she’s going to be able to protect herself, and she’s going to be able to take care of herself, and she’s going to be able to make choices for herself, and she’s going to be strong. And that all came from clinic. …
Yeah. It was good, a great experience for me. I think, uh, it’s one of those cornerstone things in, in my life. You know when I think about the things that make me the person I am today, well, getting clean and sober was, you know, of course huge in that, but the Confidence Clinic, working there and then the, the time that I spent there - I think I was there for like six years.
That was like another huge foundation piece for me. And then like my education, my formal education. So out of those three things, I’ve just learned so much about myself and who I am and how I want to operate in the world. But it’s [the Confidence Clinic is] definitely a huge piece of that.
Mary Murphy (past participant, then Advocate, Program Aide, Program Director):
But the clinic saved my life or my soul. It truly did, and it is still doing that today. It is still doing that. And it’s just uh... and get a self-image. I don’t even mean make it better. People that went to the clinic, like myself, didn’t have a self-image, didn’t have any, just zero, despair, despair. And it was just amazing those people, they just uh put their life out there, put everything out there for the women that went through the clinic. …
Well, as I said, I believe it saved my life. If not physically, how do you say it, emotionally, mentally, being alive, not just being this horrible, fearful person. I mean if that man hadn’t come back to my house over and over again [to persuade me to go]. So, there it shows you the people, uh he just wouldn’t give up.
And then if the clinic hadn’t, if the clinic wasn’t what it was, I mean, if it was, if I had gone somewhere where they judged you, or looked at you funny, or nobody had experienced… These people that run this program have been through the things that I had been through. You know, except a lot worse, many of them. Um, what I had been through was nothing compared to some of the others. So, like someone said once, “Well, wasn’t it depressing?” Well, I don’t even know why they said that, or who it was, but I thought, “Heavens no, it wasn’t depressing.” (They’re saying because of all the troubled things that had happened to these people.) Because you were there with your own. You were there with people that had dealt this, no matter how wonderful people are that have never experienced something, even some of the folks that helped in the beginning. It’s having people there that actually went through what you’ve been through. And it’s just uh saves your life.
Charity McSperitt (Program Coordinator):
One of the things that happened for me at the Confidence Clinic was, you know, my own personal history, is uh, you know, there’s, there’s domestic violence and there’s other kinds of traumas. And, uh, came from a pretty chauvinistic family, and I didn’t really have a sense about what it meant to be a woman, you know, what that really is. I had a sense of what it was to be a woman growing up in my family, which wasn’t the kind of woman I necessarily would want to be.
And, uh, so coming into the Confidence Clinic gave me a perception of what it really means to be a woman. And, the power and the dynamics that women can bring into the world, and how to, you know, help perpetuate, strengthen women through your children, and you know, teaching that to your families, and, uh, you know, like my mom.
A lot of the raising and rearing that [my daughter] Catherine got was around principles that I learned at the Confidence Clinic, about how to empower women. Uh, you know, we learned self defense at Confidence Clinic. My daughter was learning it. You know, so she was like walking that walk with me. And, uh, you know, she’s incredible. And, I think that a lot of that had to do with what I learned there about being a woman. I have a great Catherine story, which has nothing to do with the Confidence Clinic per se.
AW: Tell it anyway.
CM: How um, how that strain I passed on to Catherine. And that was, she’s at school, I think she’s in 3rd grade, maybe, and um, she has a group of little girlfriends. And, there’s a boy in there, and he’s being really inappropriate, and he’s like grabbing the girls. And, they’re scared, and they’re not saying anything.
And, Catherine gets the group of kids together, these girls, and marches them down to the principal’s office, and is like, “This is not okay.” You know, “He is doing this.” And, just really helped these girls advocate for themselves.
And, you know, parents got involved, and I mean, there was resolution because she had the courage and the strength to stand up, which was something that I had been teaching her based on what I was learning at the Confidence Clinic about what a woman could do. You know the strength in woman, and the strength of women in numbers, and how a network of women can do anything.
And, uh, you know, I just really think the Confidence Clinic gave me that for her. And you know, more than anything, that’s what I appreciate most about the Confidence Clinic, is that my daughter is strong and can take care of herself. She broke someone’s ribs this last year because he jumped on her back, while she was walking across the parking lot. And, it scared her, so - elbow, elbow to the ribs.
So as she learned those self defense techniques, because she’s been learning them, you know, ”Grab, pull, and twist,” or ”Grab, twist, and pull.” You know, she learned those as I learned them. And as I taught them to the women, you know, I continued to teach them to her. And so I know when she goes away from here, when she goes to college, she’s going to be able to protect herself, and she’s going to be able to take care of herself, and she’s going to be able to make choices for herself, and she’s going to be strong. And that all came from clinic. …
Yeah. It was good, a great experience for me. I think, uh, it’s one of those cornerstone things in, in my life. You know when I think about the things that make me the person I am today, well, getting clean and sober was, you know, of course huge in that, but the Confidence Clinic, working there and then the, the time that I spent there - I think I was there for like six years.
That was like another huge foundation piece for me. And then like my education, my formal education. So out of those three things, I’ve just learned so much about myself and who I am and how I want to operate in the world. But it’s [the Confidence Clinic is] definitely a huge piece of that.
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